Eddie Izzard on Popes - Circle (2002) (05:28)
Quotes from Circle
Yes, and the Crusades were, "We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Wait, we have Jesus too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!"
"Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!"
"No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!"
"Look, it's just we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home."
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] "Genocidal Fuckhead [pause; air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and since then History has renamed Pius XII as "Pope Gutless Bastard I".
There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism... and they've got gods like Shiva, the God of Creation and Destruction. Which is a good god to be, 'cause you can go *WHOOM* [creates thing] "What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that?" *WHOOM* [destroys thing] If you're just the God of Creation, you're going *WHOOM* "Do you like that? You don't? All right, I'll put it in the garage... shit, I haven't got a garage! *WHOOM* [creates garage].
Make-up's just crazy anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them... until uhh... well, until you killed them all."
The major five religions being Christianity, Judaism, Islam, RCA, Sony, Buddhism and Hinduism. Because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in them. I'm not telling you about the two silly ones. ("RCA, they're in the Middle East, aren't they?") 'Cause if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the plane who watches when they do the belt bit.
in: Stand Up Comedy, Religions, English: British Comedy, Eddie Izzard