A SITCOM BY CLIVE WARD

JULY 2005

Running time 30 minutes


Synopsis

THE GIBSONS

WORKMATES

LOCATIONS

INT. The Bosses office

INT. Shop floor

INT. The Gibsons living room

INT. The Fanshaws home/toilet

INT. The Fanshaws conservatory

INT. The Fanshaws living room

EXT/INT. The Gibsons door step

INT. The Gibsons kitchen


SCENE 1. INT. THE BOSSES OFFICE GOLDEN ROLL
.



SHANE

Good, I hope it sets.


BAZ

Try using some of Shane’s de-greaser, that’ll shift it. What’s for tea, I’m starving?

CHANTELLE

Roasted exhaust pipe, followed by, petrol tank surprise with lashings of grease.


SHANE

Thank God for that. For a moment there, I thought we had to put up with mum’s cooking.


IRIS

You’re asking for a clipped ear sonny.


BAZ TAPS SHANE ON THE SHOULDER


BAZ

Yes you, why are their lumps of scrap metal all over my drive? I want them moved, now, it’s like the Iraqi desert after Desert Storm out there.


BAZ

Shane are you listening to me If you don’t move it, I’ll move it for you… down the scrap yard, and the money I get for it, can go towards the food and board you should be paying me. I’m bloody sick of your bits of cars and motor bikes all around the house.


CHANTELLE

And me.

SHANE

What about all that Elvis junk?

BAZ

You what?

SHANE

All that lots good for, is a car boot sale. Look at it, it’s tacky and sad.

CHANTELLE

Don’t start him off Shane.


BAZ NOW STANDS UP, WALKS OVER TO THE SIDE BOARD AND PICKS UP ONE OF HIS SOUVENIRS AND PUTS IT CLOSE TO SHANE’S FACE


BAZ

You see this boy… YOU SEE THIS… genuine Elvis handkerchief. I can still smell the king’s sweat on it.


BAZ TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND SNIFFS


SHANE
, SHANE IS NOW YAWNING, READING A BIKE MAG

No, I think you’ll find that’s Chantelle’s armpits.



BAZ

Framed picture of Elvis, with original autograph, limited edition.



SHANE LOOKS AT IT

SHANE

I’ve seen loads of them down the car boot sales. In fact, every stall has to have one, or they get turned away. They’re mandatory, along with curling tongues and heated rollers.


BAZ

And my pride and joy. A pair of Elvis’s Y fronts, the actual ones he wore on the night he died.


SHANE

Bloody hell, you didn’t hang about. It’s a wonder you didn’t get arrested. Was he still warm when you took them off him?


BAZ HOLDS UP A STEERING WHEEL AND HANDLE BARS

BAZ

It’s worth a lot more than these lumps of metal.


SHANE

That steering wheel you’re holding, is the actual steering wheel from the car James Dean crashed in.



BAZ LOOKS CONFUSED, THEN REALISES SHANES WINDING HIM UP



SHANE

You see, I can talk out of my…



BAZ

Go and shift that junk now.

SHANE


Okay… okay, I’m going. Before you show us the condom Elvis used for his first jump.


SHANE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM


BAZ

Kids nowadays, they’ve got no respect. They have it too easy…they expect everything on a plate…well, where’s me tea, I could eat a horse.


IRIS IS STILL READING A TRAVEL BROCHURE


IRIS

There is none…! I haven’t got anything in.



BAZ

Why not… what happened to that house keeping money I gave you last week?



IRIS

I paid a bill with it.



BAZ

What did you go and do that for, you silly cow? Putting food on the table is more important than a poxy bill. What bill was it anyway?



IRIS LOOKS ANGRY



IRIS

Your Elvis Presley Fan Club fees.



BAZ

Oh, that’s different then.


IRIS

Eh Baz, have you seen this, 7 days self catering in Tossa for £159, that’s not bad is it? Or…

BAZ CHANGES HIS TONE AND SOUNDS SAD


BAZ

Iris, I’ve got something to tell you.


IRIS

14 days in Majorca for £199, that’s not bad is it?

BAZ

You’re not gonna want to hear this.



IRIS

Or…

BAZ RAISES HIS VOICE



BAZ

Will you put that brochre down? I’m trying to tell you something.



IRIS

What?


BAZ

We can’t afford to go on holiday this year.


IRIS

Can’t you dear? Oh that’s a pity. Chantelle and me will have to go on our own.


IRIS AND CHANELLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE


BAZ (ANGRY)

This is no time for jokes Iris.

IRIS

Why what’s up?

BAZ

It looks like I’ll be looking for a new job come tomorrow. The boss want’s to see me in the morning.



IRIS

Not again Baz… what have you done this time? You haven’t been drawing willies on the toilet wall again?



BAZ



No of course I haven’t, I’m as surprised as you!





IRIS AND CHANTELLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AGAIN AND SMILE



BAZ

I think it’s because they’re not selling as many bog rolls as they used to.



CHANTELLE

That’s because there are more toilet rolls in this house, than there are in that factory.





LOADS OF GOLDEN ROLL TOILET ROLLS EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK



BAZ GETS UP AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE TABLE



BAZ

I’ll kill him, where is he?



BAZ WALK’S OUT THE ROOM AFTER SHANE



CHANTELLE

What’s the matter, what’s Shane done now?



IRIS

He’s only used one of your dads Elvis’s bath towels as a cleaning rag.




SCENE 4. INT THE FANSHAW’S HOME TOILET

A vision in polished marble. The whole place is done out in dead tasteful greens, blues and whites. The windows are actually stained glass. It looks more like a museum of fancy bathroom gear. By the bog is a small bookcase, as well as a newspaper rack.

Basically this bathroom is so perfect, that the humour comes from realising that there is NO toilet paper to be had anywhere.

CHARLES IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING THE NEWSPAPER, HE THEN REACHES OVER AND FINDS THERE’S NO TOILET ROLL AND STARTS SHOUTING



CHARLES

Janet… Janet… are you deaf woman? This is ridiculous. I own my own toilet roll company and there’s never a toilet roll in the house when you need one. Janet… Janet… Janet…



SCENE .4A INT FANSHAW’S HOME SMALL CONSERVATORY

Janet is tending her array of flowers in a small but posh conservatory. As well as talking to her plants like some kind of loony, she is also absolutely nuking any green flies she sees on the leaves. In fact she is totally over the top about spraying the plants when she sees the aphids. She goes so far as to beat a plant to death when she sees the bug infestation. After she has totally thrashed the plant she does actually realise that she might have been a little over the top, and tries to make amends by propping the broken plant up on a small cane stuck in the plant pot. It’s no good as the stalk of the plant just collapses.

(The rest of the house is of course done out beautifully. It gives the feel of ‘old money’. There’s not a lot of ‘new’ looking furniture, it all looks like it came out of a stately home.)

JANET IS TALKING TO HER FLOWERS WHILST LISTENING TO THE RADIO, SHE CANT HEAR HER HUSBAND



JANET

Now you be good flowers, and grow up to be nice and tall and…



CHARLES

Janet… I need a toilet roll



CHARLES BANGS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS FIST



JANET

Wait there, while I go and see what your daddy wants.



JANET WALKS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS



JANET

Yes dear.


CHARLES LOOKS AT HIS WATCH


CHARLES

I need a bloody toilet roll. I’ve been shouting you for twenty-three minutes, thirteen seconds, what have you been doing? If I’m up here any longer I’ll need a hammer and chisel!


JANET’S VOICE

Oh dear I forgot to get some. I know, I’ll have to nip down to the village…



CHARLES

What! No you bloody won’t.



JANET

…On second thought’s, you’ll find some tissues in the bathroom cupboard.



CHARLES LOOKS AT THE CUPBOARD, WHICH IS MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM



SCENE .4B THE FANSHAWS LIVING ROOM



MICHELLE ARRIVES HOME FROM UNIVERSITY

MICHELLE

Hi mum.









JANET

Hi Michelle. Sit yourself down, and I’ll serve your tea up.



MICHELLE

Where’s dad?

JANET

He’s upstairs, he’ll be down in a second.



MICHELLE IS NOW SITTING AT THE TABLE, CHARLES HAS WALKED IN THE ROOM AND JANET HAS STARTED TO SERVE TEA



CHARLES

My company produces 20,000 toilet rolls a day, will someone tell me why there isn’t one sheet of it in my house?



JANET

I’ll nip down the shop tomorrow, and buy some. Now sit down and eat your tea.



CHARLES

No you wont… how long have you been buying it from the shop, for crying out loud.



JANET

The last twenty years.



CHARLES

Twenty years! Why didn’t you ask me to bring some home?

JANET

No thank you dear, I don’t like that cheap and tacky stuff.



CHARLES IS SPEECHLESS, MICHELLE IS LAUGHING



MICHELLE

So if you didn’t have any toilet paper what did you actually use then?





JANET

The tissues I hope.

CHARLES

Do I look like I’ve got the arms of an orangutang. That cupboard is about four miles away.



MICHELLE HOLDS UP THE NEWSPAPER, ITS GOT A LARGE BIT MISSING



MICHELLE



Dad you didn’t, how could you?



CHARLES

I had no choice… I would have been up there forever.



MICHELLE

Yes, but did you have to do it with a picture of David Beckham.



JANET

Roast potato’s dear?



MICHELLE

Where’s Colin? His dinner’s getting cold.



CHARLES



Colin is working late on his new advertising campaign, and making up a list of redundancies.



THE SCENE GOES BACK TO THE FACTORY, COLIN IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK CONCENTRATING



COLIN

Yes that’s it! I’ve done it, yes!



COLIN HAS BUILT A MASSIVE TOWER OF TOILET ROLLS ON THE OFFICE TABLE



MICHELE

God, I didn’t think things were that bad.

JANET

How’s your steak dear?



CHARLES

Err… great thanks.



MICHELLE

Well, why don’t you sell up and get out?



CHARLES REPEATS HER SENTENCE SARCASTICALLY







CHARLES

Well, why don’t you sell up and get out? Sell GOLDEN ROLL. Never, people will always want toilet rolls.



MICHELLE

You do realise you’re adding to the destruction of the rain forest.



CHARLES

Don’t start on that rubbish again, what do you think pays for your upkeep while you’re at University?… TOILET ROLLS, money doesn’t grow on trees you know.



MICHELLE

No, but toilet rolls are made out of them, and by the feel of the one’s you make, I’d say you’ve still left the bleeding bark on!



CHARLES LOOKS AT HIS DAUGHTER ANGRILY



CHARLES

I don’t want any more of this environmental rain forest, save the world, clap trap. It’s the least of my worries right now.



SMALL PAUSE



JANET

More GREENS dear.



MICHELLE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER

CHARLES DROPS HIS KNIFE AND FORK



JANET

What did I say?

MICHELLE

I read the other day, that in the Brazilian rain forest, an area the size of a football pitch is being destroyed every ten minutes?



JANET

That’s why they’re so good at football then.



CHARLES

Who? What are you talking about woman?



JANET

The Brazilians…



CHARLES AND MICHELLE LOOK OPEN MOUTHED AT JANET



JANET

They’ve got all the football pitches haven’t the


SCENE 5.BACK IN THE GIBSON’S LIVING ROOM

The TV is on loud and Chantelle (frantically chewing gum) is sat ridiculously close to it. Chantelle looks like her face is glued to the screen, she is so enthralled by the programme.



THEY’RE ALL SAT DOWN WATCHING A POPULAR T.V. SOAP, SHANE HAS HIS FACE IN THE AUTO TRADER MAG, HE’S GOT FILTHY BLACK HANDS, YOU DON’T SEE HIS FACE

BAZ

Turn the TV over Chants, the news is on.



CHANTELLE

Ah dad, I’m watching this, Gabby’s having a baby and Rob’s going to get killed in a car crash.



BAZ

I don’t give a damn if the whole cast are being kidnapped by aliens.



SHANE

No that’s next week.



IRIS AND CHANTELLE ARE STILL GLUED TO THE BOX

BAZ

Come on turn the TV over, I want to watch the news.



BAZ STARTS LOOKING FOR THE REMOTE WITHOUT MOVING OUT OF HIS SEAT, HE IS CHECKING DOWN THE SIDE OF THE SOFA AND PULLS OUT A COLD PIZZA.







SHANE

The remote’s on top of the TV dad, if that’s what you’re looking for?



BAZ

What the hell is it doing over there? What’s the point in having a remote if you’re going to keep it on top of the TV. Grab it for us Shane, you’re nearest?

SHANE

What did your last servant die of? You’re the one who wants to turn over.



BAZ

Have you ever had a cold pizza shoved up your backside…? Come on Shane I’ve been at work all day.



SHANE IGNORES HIM



BAZ TURNS ROUND AND SEES THE SNOOKER CUE WHICH IS LEANING UP AGAINST THE WALL, HE REACHES OVER GRABS IT AND PROCEEDS TO SWITCH OVER WITH IT



IRIS (SHOUTS)

Don’t you dare turn over?

IRIS’S LOUD VOICE MAKES BAZ JUMP AND HE DROPS THE CUE



BAZ

But this is rubbish.



SHANE

Give over dad, I bet you used to watch it at one time.





BAZ

Yeah, the one time your mum and me couldn’t think of a name to call you two before you were born. Where do you think we got the names Shane and Chantelle, from?



CHANTELE

Mum, tell me he’s lying

IRIS

Ssssshhhhh…

SMALL PAUSE



BAZ

Somebody dies every week in that programme.

CHANTELLE

Ssssssshhhh…



BAZ

How many does that make it now? Twenty-five…. thirty killed off on one poxy street. Isn’t that a little strange? You’d have thought there would have been some sort of enquiry by now.



CHANTELLE

Ssssshhhhh

BAZ

What do you mean sssssshhh. I don’t believe I’ve been working my nuts off all day for what? To come home and find no tea on the table, as usual the house looks like bombs hit it, and I can’t even watch my own television in my own house.

NOBODY’S TAKING ANY NOTICE

PAUSE



BAZ

I’ve been wearing your knickers again Iris.



PAUSE

I’ve decided to have a sex change.



PAUSE

God, your arse is getting big.



IRIS

I HEARD THAT



BAZ GETS UP AND WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN

The kitchen is a rubbish dump. The cooker looks like it has caught fire about a million times. The fluorescent light flickers on and off, and there are dirty cups and plates lying all over the place. The tea towel is filthy black and some of the cupboard doors are hanging off their hinges. Once again, hundreds of toilet rolls are spilling out all over the place.

There is even a toilet roll in the fridge when Baz goes to look.

BAZ

Come on there’s got to be something to eat in this house.

IRIS

There is in the cupboard.



BAZ NOW OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND SEES DOZENS OF TINS
OF DOG FOOD



BAZ

Yeah, if you’re a dog.



OLD SHEP LOOKS UP AT HIM AND GROWLS



BAZ

It’s okay old Shep, don’t worry. I’m not touching you’re food.



IRIS

Try the fridge.



BAZ OPENS THE FRIDGE AND IT’S NEARLY EMPTY



BAZ

And what am I supposed to do with half a cucumber and a tub of margarine?



SHANE

Do you want me to answer that?





CHANTELLE

What’s everyone looking at me for?



FX THE DOOR BELL RINGS



Description of Bailiff and Rent Collector:

The Bailiff is a complete short-arse of a man with beady little eyes. He is a total jobsworth and seems to be getting genuine pleasure from re-possessing stuff. The Rent Collector is as massive as the Bailiff is small. He is ENORMOUS. He has tattoos all over his arms and a load of rings piercing most of his nose, eyebrows and ears. He is a skinhead with what looks like an axe-wound scar bisecting his head.





BAZ

Get the door someone?

BAZ

It’s okay, I’ll get it. I mean it might be the fire brigade, the house could be on fire, we could all burn to death.

BAZ OPENS THE DOOR TO TWO MEN



BAZ

Chantelle it’s for you! I think it’s your pimp and drug dealer! What do you want?



BAILIFF

I’ve come to take back the three-piece suite, hi -fi and television. You haven’t kept up the repayments, have you Mr Gibson?



BAZ

Not now. Can’t you come back later? I’m just about to have my dinner.



BAILIFF

Oh, I’ve come to take the cooker away as well… mmm smells good what is it?



BAZ

Dog food curry, want some?

BAZ TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR BUT THEY PUT THEIR FEET IN IT



BAZ

This is private property, so sling your hook, before I call the police.



RENT COLLECTOR

No, this is council property Mr Gibson, and you are eight weeks in arrears with your rent.



BAZ

Says who?



RENT COLLECTOR

Says me, I’m the Rent Collector. Surely you know me by now, I’m knocking on this door every other night of the week, and don’t bother putting the Rottweiler barking tape on, you’ve tried that one already.



BAZ

Just hold on there a minute, will you lads?



BAZ GOES BACK INDOORS LEAVES THE DOOR SLIGHTLY AJAR AND FACES IRIS, THEY WHISPER



IRIS

Baz, I was going to tell you, but the bills kept mounting up.



BAZ

I didn’t think things were that bad, haven’t we got any money at all?



IRIS

No, not until I get our Chantelle’s child benefit on Monday, but that’s spoken for… Monday nights bingo night remember?



BAZ

Well, it looks like we have no choice.



BAZ NOW OPENS THE DOOR TO THE TWO DEBT COLLECTORS







BAZ

Sorry lads, but we haven’t got any money, we’re flat broke.



BAILIFF

That’s not good enough Mr Gibson. \\\e’ll have to come in and repossess our goods.



RENT COLLECTOR

And I’ll be giving you an eviction order.



BAZ NOW STANDS IN THE WAY AND SHOUTS HIS DOG



BAZ

SHEP!



THE BAILIFF AND RENT MAN ARE BEING SARCASTIC AND CUDDLE EACH OTHER



BAILIFF

If that dog bites me you’ll be in big trouble.





RENTMAN

Oh my God, a mad dog on the loose.



BAZ

Kill boy, kill.



OLD SHEP START TO ATTACK BAZ, THE TWO DEBT COLLECTORS LAUGH









BAZ



Not me, them… get off me you daft dog. He’s a bit confused, he hasn’t been well lately. Get off me you stupid dog.









BAZ

Listen I’ll have the money for you in a few days, honest… you know how it is, it’s the wife’s birthday tomorrow and I want to buy her something special.

BAILIFF

Okay, but this is your last chance. We’ll be back the same time tomorrow and you better have the money, or that something special for your wife will be a caravan.



RENT MAN

I’ve heard plastic surgery’s expensive nowadays.



BAILIFF



And make sure that dog’s indoors, next time we come, its dangerous.



ALL NOW BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM, BAZ IS CUDDLING HIS DOG



BAZ

Phew, that was close.



CHANTELE

How did you get rid of them dad?



BAZ

I paid them off, for a while anyway.



IRIS

What with?



BAZ

With one of Shane’s old motorbikes.

SHANE

What?

BAZ

Not really. Old Shep scared them off, didn’t you boy?



BAZ GOES TO STROKE THE DOG AND IT GROWLS AT HIM

SHANE

You what? A lot of good he was.



BAZ

Listen if he had wanted to, he’d have ripped those two apes apart.



SHANE

Yeah okay, the only thing that dog’s ever attacked is you. That’s because you both smell the same.



IRIS

Yes, and you’ve only got your self to blame. That’s what happens when you train it to attack burglars, then you come home late drunk from the pub, and climb through the window because you’ve forgotten your keys. No wonder the poor dog is confused.



CHANTELLE

They’ll be back, and then what are we going to do?



SHANE

I know, why don’t you put your face pack on.



BAZ

Right, I’m off round my mums, to see if she’ll borrow me some money until payday.



CHANTELLE

Are you taking the dog with you, he could do with the exercise?



BAZ

No, he’s had too much excitement for one day… anyway you know he’s scared of the dark.





BAZ IS WALKING TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR IRIS RUNS AFTER HIM





IRIS

Wait… Baz if she gives you any money, have a fiver on the lottery.



BAZ

If I remember.



BAZ IS OUT OF SIGHT

BAZ

If she gives me any money, I’ll have a fiver down the local.


SCENE 6 GOLDEN ROLL OFFICE



CHARLES

Right, lets have a look at that list you spent all night doing.



COLIN PASSES HIS DAD THE LIST



COLIN

Dad, you didn’t really mean it when you said I’ve got to put my name on that list did you?



CHARLES STUDIES LIST



CHARLES

Not yet, but it might be if you don’t do the job I’m paying you for, and come up with a good advertising campaign.



COLIN

It just so happens I’ve got one you’re going to love, can I show you.



CHARLES

Colin, not now, later, when we’ve made the job cuts.



COLIN

But dad, we won’t have to make cut backs if this works.



CHARLES

Go on then, shock me, amaze me. I hope it’s not anything like the last one, when you tried to copy a certain famous advert using a Labrador puppy.





COLIN

That advert was working a treat…



CHARLES

Yes, until the viewers realised the dog that we were using was a chitsu, we ended up a laughing stock.



COLIN WALKS OVER TO HIS GIANT NOTE PAD



COLIN

Close your eyes then.



CHARLES

Do I have to?



COLIN

Close your eyes dad, I want to give you the full impact.



CHARLES CLOSES HIS EYES



CHARLES

This better be good Colin.



COLIN TURNS THE PAGE



COLIN

Are you ready for this, the GOLDEN ROLL doorstep challenge?



CHARLES OPENS HIS EYES THEN PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS IN FRUSTRATION





CHARLES

I’m listening.



COLIN

So we do a TV advert asking housewives to compare Golden Roll with their favourite toilet roll.



CHARLES

You can’t be serious…you are serious… I can just see it now. “Madam, would you go away and try Golden Roll against your normal toilet roll. How does it feel on your backside? Is it softer? Does it reach those areas, other rolls can’t reach?” ARE YOU MAD? HAVE YOU TOTALLY FLIPPED?

After she’s slapped you around the head, what are you going to do then? Compare rolls you idiot. Start pencilling your name on that list.

COLIN

I take it that’s a no then?





FX. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR





COLIN LOOKS SAD GETS UP TO LET THE FIRST WORKER IN

CHARLES

That’ll be the first lamb to the slaughter.



COLIN

I’ll go and start on some new ideas, shall I dad?



CHARLES

Oh no you won’t, you can stay put, I might need protection.





COLIN

What use am I going to be?



CHARLES

Not much, but I might need a human shield.



COLIN

Thanks a lot.



Charles is being quite laid back about it all (he doesn’t care about his staff, but Colin is jumping around like a cat on hot bricks at the prospect of having to deal with the ‘workers’.

When the first worker arrives, Colin gives him a sickly, sweaty smile and shakes his hand before inviting him in. The worker, understandably, looks suspicious.









SCENE .7. THE GIBSONS KITCHEN

IRIS IS WASHING THE POTS WHILE LISTENING TO THE RADIO

Iris is blankly looking out of the kitchen window as she washes up. The fag in her gob slowly burning away and the ash periodically showering into the washing up bowl (which she isn’t even looking at). Her attempts at washing the plate’s etc. are piss-poor; she gives each greasy bit of crockery a cursory wipe then blindly sticks the still-dirty piece in the drying rack



FX. THE SOUND OF THE RADIO

… That was the weather forecast and if you missed last nights national lottery draw, the numbers were 5 11 14 22 36 39 and the bonus number was 2. Indication are, there are four lucky jackpot winners, each winning a total of 1.2 million pounds each.



CHANTELLE AND SHANE ARE IN THE FRONT ROOM WHEN THEY HEAR THEIR MUM DROP A LOAD OF PLATES



FX. CRASH



IRIS

They’re our numbers. Quick find your dad’s jeans. The ones he was wearing last night. If he put the lottery numbers on like I asked him to, we’ve won…. we’re rich.



CHANTELLE FINDS THEM AND PICKS THEM UP WITH A STICK

CHANTELE

You mean these ones?



IRIS

That’s them. Look in the pockets. Come on Baz, don’t let me down, please.

CHANTELE

You can sod off. I’m not touching dad’s trousers! Not even for a million quid.



SHANE HOLDS UP THE LOITTERY TICKET

Is this it?

IRIS

Where was that?



SHANE



In his jacket pocket with his condoms… only joking.



IRIS

I wouldn’t care if a pair of knickers were in there, as long as that’s the winning ticket you’ve got in your hand.



SHANE WITH HIS BACK TO HIS MUM PULLS OUT A PAIR OF KNICKERS HE SMILES



IRIS TAKES THE TICKET OFF SHANE

Oh my God… oh my God… We’re rich, quick, got to phone your dad.























SCENE 8 BACK AT GOLDEN ROLLS OFFICE



BAZ IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE BOSSES OFFICE AND HE HEARS THE COMMOTION COMING FROM INSIDE



FELLOW WORKER

ADDITIONAL STUFF:

The EXT. of Baz’s council house:

It’s a run-down council house on a shoddy estate. A few doors down from Baz’s gaff there is a burnt out wreck of a car.

Baz himself has the obligatory Cortina, up on bricks outside his own place.

His front garden is full of rubbish and decapitated gnomes. The excuse for a garden pond is full of plastic bags, condoms and lager cans.

The front door bell plays some horrible Elvis melody when pressed.



The EXT. of Charles’ house:

Dead tasteful and posh. Within sight of Baz’s (prospective new home). Their gardens are side by side.

Charles’ lawn is expertly manicured with well-kept herbaceous borders and small but attractive sculptures dotted around the place. Their garden pond is large, with a fountains in it and a big alabaster Heron next to it.

They have a garage big enough for two fancy cars.







EXT. Golden Roll Factory.

Very 60s/70s architecture. Looks shabbily industrial. The managers’ car park is someway from the employee car park (which is full of tatty motors and scooters etc.).

The company logo is in a bit of a mess and the whole place looks like it could do with a re-paint job.

It looks like quite a foreboding place and instead of tumble weeds blowing around there are toilet rolls unravelling all over the place.

Ten years I’ve been with this firm, and you’re laying me off just like that.



CHARLES

I’m sorry, but we have no choice.





WORKER IS GETTING MAD HAS HE GETS UP TO WALK OUT OF THE OFFICE



WORKER

Sorry!… sorry!… I’ve got a wife and six children to support … I hope the whole world gets constipated and you never sell another bog roll.





FELLOW WORKER WALKS PAST BAZ





FELLOW WORKER

Good luck Baz, I’ll see you in the pub in ten minutes.



COLIN

Could you step into the office please Mr Gibson?



CHARLES

Take a seat Mr Gibson… Now I think you know why I’ve got you in here.



BAZ

Pay rise?

CHARLES

No.

BAZ

A new comfy chair for my fork lift?

CHARLES

No, I’m afraid its bad news.

BAZ

Listen boss, I really need this job. I’m the only forklift driver you’ve got… I’m wasting my time aren’t I?



SMALL PAUSE THEN BAZ CHANGES HIS TONE



BAZ

You can forget it, if you think I’m going to sit here and beg to keep my job you…



F.X THE OFFICE PHONE RINGS CHARLES PUTS HIS HAND UP TO BAZ AND ANSWERS IT

Baz is aimlessly wandering around the office while Charles is on the phone. Colin is busy washing his hands in the office sink. Baz is being a real clutz, he is accidentally knocking stuff off tables, dropping books and generally making a mess. Every time he does something stupid he looks apologetically over at Charles on the phone, who gives him a sickly smile.



CHARLES

Just a minute Mr Gibson… Hello, Golden Roll.



SCENE .8A FLASHES BETWEEN GIBSONS LIVING ROOM AND THE OFFICE





IRIS

This is Mrs Gibson … can I speak to my husband please?

CHARLES STARES AT BAZ



CHARLES

Not in works time I’m afraid, company policy.



IRIS

Well, can you give him a message. Could you tell him we’ve won a million pounds on the Lottery and tell him to tell his boss to shove his job right up his…



CHARLES SPEAKS BEFORE SHE CAN SAY ARSE



CHARLES

Really, okay, I’ll do that, goodbye. Thank you!



IRIS

Ha, that told him.



CHARLES

Right where were we… ah yes that’s it …I’d like to offer you a position on the staff.



COLIN LOOKS SHOCKED AND SPITS HIS TEA BACK INTO HIS CUP



BAZ

But… but I thought you were going to sack me?



CHARLES

Oh no… no our company wouldn’t do that. \\\e like to reward our dedicated workers.



CHARLES

I bought you in here to reward you for the sterling work you’ve been doing over the last six months, and I’d like to offer you the job as Golden Roll’s Production Manager.



SMALL PAUSE, BAZ LOOKS BEHIND TO SEE IF CHARLES IS REALLY TALKING TO HIM





CHARLES

Yes that’s right, don’t look so shocked. I’ve been watching you, it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I can spot leadership potential when I see it!



COLIN

Dad, can I have a word.



CHARLES IGNORES HIS SON



CHARLES

Now you have the rest of the day off… go home, and tell your wife the good news. Oh and before you go here’s a few hundred pounds. Buy yourself a suit, you want to be looking smart when you take up your new position.



BAZ IS SO SHOCKED HE CAN’T SAY ANYTHING



CHARLES GIVES OUT A PRETEND LAUGH THEN BAZ RETURNS THE LAUGH AS HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR











COLIN

Are you mad? Production Manager, him… he’s the biggest sciver we’ve ever had… you go on about me making rubbish decisions. we’ll definitely go down the toilet now, I can’t believe it…. Production Manager.



CHARLES

You’re lucky; I was going to offer him your job.



COLIN

And anyway, who’s going to drive the fork lift if that, lazy, fat slob’s the Production Manager… What did you say?



CHARLES

Sit down you idiot… that was Gibson’s wife on the phone. She wanted me to tell him that they’ve just won a million pounds on the lottery.





COLIN

Oh!



CHARLES

You see.. Get my drift.



COLIN

Yeah, but why would he want to work for us for now he’s just won the lottery?



CHARLES NOW PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS





CHARLES

You know, you definitely take after your mother…



CHARLES NOW SHOUTING AT HIS SON



CHARLES

“BECAUSE HE’S RICH AND WE NEED HIS MONEY”



COLIN

Got you now… brilliant decision dad, brilliant.



COLIN IS NOW ON HIS WAY OF THE OFFICE DOOR



CHARLES

Oh Colin, before you go… one more thing.



COLIN

Yes dad.



CHARLES

He gets your company car.



COLIN

Brilliant decision dad.



COLIN HAS JUST WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE BEFORE HE REALISES WHAT HIS DAD HAS JUST SAID, THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE CHANGES





























SCENE 9.THE GIBSONS HOUSE





IRIS

I can’t believe it, one million, one hundred and fifty-six thousand pounds and sixteen pence. I’ll be able to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, like go to Las Vegas, buy a villa in Spain.



CHANTELLE

I know what dad will want to do, go to visit Elvis’s grave in Gracelands.



SHANE



I can’t think of any thing sadder than that.



CHANTELLE

Oh yeah, what’re you going to do then Shane?



SHANE

Me. I think I’ll buy my own scrap yard.



IRIS

Buy this house off the council then.



SHANE TAKES THE TICKET OFF IRIS AND EXAMINES IT



SHANE



Hold on a minute… this is last Saturday’s ticket, look at the date.



IRIS

You’re joking, tell me you’re joking.



CHANTELLE

I knew it was too good to be true.



SHANE HANDS THE TICKET BACK TO IRIS



SHANE

Dream on mum, I can’t wait to see dad’s face when you tell him we haven’t won a bean. This is going to be fun.



IRIS

Oh my God. He’ll be home in a minute. What am I going to tell him? Sorry Baz dear, it was a wind up, we’re still flat broke, after he’s just told his boss to shove his job, he’s going to go ballistic.



CHANTELLE

I’ve got a one pound scratch card winner. You could tell him you were wrong, we haven’t won as much as you thought



Everyone is sat around dumbstruck. Iris is chain smoking and Shane is necking can after can of lager. Chantelle looks like she’s on the verge of tears.

When Baz arrives they all look up at him like they’ve just shot his grandmother. He however has a mile-wide grin on his face.

There is a long tract of silence that is finally broken by Shane burping loudly and Chantelle almost simultaneously starting to cry.



BAZ OPENS THE FRONT DOOR CHANTELLE AND SHANE GET UP TO LEAVE THE ROOM





CHANTELLE

I’m off upstairs to do my homework.



SHANE

I’ll be in the garden.



IRIS

No you don’t, you stay in here, I need protection.



BAZ

I’m in the money… I’m in the money… what’s everyone looking so glum about?



BAZ THEN GIVES OUT PRESENTS TO EVERY ONE. THEY ARE STILL LOOKING GLUM FACED



BAZ

For Shane, a new tool kit.



SHANE

Cheers dad.



BAZ

And for Chants, a new hair dryer.



CHANTELLE

Wow, thanks dad.



BAZ

And for my wonderful, lovely, adorable, wife….







IRIS

Before you say anything else Baz, sit down, I‘ve got something to tell you.





BAZ

I’ve got something to tell you.



IRIS

No, I’ve got something to tell you.





BAZ HAS NOW GOT HIS ARM ROUND HER



BAZ

I’ve gone and booked you and me on a two week cruise in the Med.



IRIS PUTS HER HEAD IN HER, HANDS SHANE STARTS GIGGLING





BAZ

Okay, out with it, what’s up? Its not old Shep is it?



IRIS

Baz love… I don’t know how to say this. We haven’t won the lottery after all.



BAZ

Haven’t we, oh well, never mind, there’s always next week.





IRIS, SHANE AND CHANTELLE ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED



IRIS

You’re not bothered?





BAZ

No! Eh guess what, you’ll never believe this, I’ve been promoted. You’re now looking at the new Production Manager of Golden Roll, and here was me thinking I was going to be sacked… well…



SHANE

Well done dad, does that mean you’ll be putting the holes in the middle?



BAZ

You don’t give up do you Shane?



CHANTELLE

Well done daddy, I knew you were the brains of the family.



SHANE

Creep.



BAZ

Come on, you should all be happy… this will change our lives. Fast cars, holidays, flash clothes.

SHANE

Pay the bills?



BAZ

Oh! Err yeah, I suppose so!



IRIS, CHANTELLE AND SHANE STILL LOOK DOWN, BAZ LOOKS AT THEM ALL

BAZ

Right, that’s it, I’m not sitting around looking at your glum faces all night, I’m off down the pub to celebrate… I’ll go then okay…



BAZ LEAVES THE ROOM, THERE IS SILENCE



BAZ IS BACK WITH A LOTTERY TICKET IN HIS HAND





BAZ

By the way, does anybody know last night’s lottery numbers?



THEY ALL LOOK BLANKLY AT EACH OTHER, THEN REALISE THEY HAVE WON THE LOTTERY AFTER ALL AND GO CRAZY



THE END…



SYNOPSES OF FUTURE EPISODES





EPISODE 2 MOVING IN

Baz buys a house next door to Charles, he calls it Gracelands…but spells Gracelands wrong… Baz invites Charles and family to his house warming party… Charles feels obliged to go even though he hates Baz and his lower class family. But saving his business is all that’s on his mind.

And Baz and his money is the key … Charles turns up in a tuxedo and looks well out of place, there are Elvis lookalikes everywhere. The episode ends when the next day Charles is arrested for drink driving and theft of Baz’s new pink Cadillac.



EPISODE 3 THE NEW SHARE HOLDER

Charles offers Baz a share of his business for a price, but Baz is not interested, he just want’s to carry on doing his old forklift job, even though he doesn’t have to work for the rest of his life. Baz misses his mates to much.

This frustrates Charles knowing Baz has got all that money and he’s to tight to part with it. Charles and his son then plan to set fire to the factory so they can claim on the insurance, but unknowingly Baz saves the factory from being gutted, ends up in hospital and is a hero.





EPISODE 4 YOU ARE FIRED

The headlines in the local paper read (LOCAL HERO SAVES FACTORY FROM INFERNO)… Charles is fuming his plan failed, but the sales of his toilet rolls go crazy in the publicity… Charles doesn’t need Baz’s money any more so he finds some petty excuse to sack him, but then realises he’s made a big mistake when the headlines in the local read LOCAL HERO SACKED SHOCKER, suddenly sales plummet when customers boycott their product. Baz gets re- instated













EPISODE 5 THE JAPANESE TAKE OVER

A Japanese toilet roll company is interested in buying Golden Roll

Charles and Colin are all excited preparing for the visit, but there’s only one problem. Baz knows that if the Japs do take over, they’ll be job cuts.

So when the they visit, he tries his hardest to put them off. Charles tells his work force if one of the Japanese speak to you, you must bow and he will bow back, but Baz has other idea’s. In the end the Jap’s decide against buying Golden Roll.







EPISODE 6 THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Yes Charles’s worries are over. Baz becomes a shareholder only because his son Shane is planning to marry Michele,

Charles’s daughter, which he doesn’t agree with as he doesn’t want Baz’s son as a son in law. But if this means his business is saved, so be it. The main thing on his mind now is the embarrassment of the engagement party.





The office is tastefully laid out with mahogany furniture, leather seats and antique looking oil paintings on the walls. The company motto, “Our Tissues are always behind you” is written in ornate lettering above Charles’ desk.

Behind Charles’ desk is a large framed photo of him cheesily shaking hands with Margaret Thatcher (whilst simultaneously holding a bog-roll).

Charles is dressed smartly and formerly whereas Colin, in a crumpled suit, is slouched in one of the chairs, aimlessly picking at his tie (which is patterned with hundreds of little toilet rolls).

Charles is red-faced going through the sales figures.

Colin really would rather be somewhere else, but he just has to sit there and take an ear bashing from his old man.



CHARLES (VOICE RAISED)

Just look at these sales figures they’re 50% down on last year…its never been this bad ever… Well come on, mister so called marketing manager, I want answers.



COLIN

I don't know, maybe its because people don't go to the toilet as much as they used to?



CHARLES IS GETTING ANGRY



CHARLES (SHOUTING)

Is that the best answer you can give me after all the money I've spent on your education, Colin you’re an idiot?



COLIN

I try my hardest it's not my fault the company’s going down the pan… sorry dad, figure of speech.





CHARLES (GETS TO HIS FEET)

Its one big joke to you isn't it?

COLIN

No dad!





CHARLES



Who’s fault is it then, ten years ago people used to queue up for my toilet rolls they couldn’t get enough of them.

COLIN



Yeah, but that was when we had the football ground contract.



CHARLES (REMINISCES)

Those we’re the days, at half time when the referee blew his whistle, the queues stretched for miles, it was like printing money.

COLIN



Only because they put laxatives in the tea.



CHARLES (POINTS HIS FINGER AT HIS SON)

That was nothing to do with me.

COLIN

I didn’t say it was.

CHARLES

I didn’t spend the last twenty years building this company up, to watch it fall flat on its face. I’ve worked too hard for what I’ve got.



COLIN

You’re right dad.



CHARLES

There's only one thing for it, if we're not getting the orders, then we’ll just have to reduce the workforce to survive.

COLIN



That's just what I was going to say.



CHARLES

Was it...Good...well put yourself first on the list. You can try working for a living.



COLIN LOOKS AT HIS DAD IN DISBELIEF.CHARLES WALKS TOWARDS THE WINDOW, WHICH OVERLOOKS THE SHOP FLOOR.



COLIN

But dad you can't lay me off.

CHARLES

Oh yes I can, you watch me.



COLIN

But… but… I'm your son.



CHARLES

I can do what I like, I’m the boss.



COLIN

You’re over reacting. Things will get better… you’ll see!

CHARLES

Colin, people don’t just stop going to the toilet. You know what we need?



COLIN

What?



CHARLES

A national outbreak of diarrhoea, that would put bums on seats!

COLIN

That’s a great idea… I’ll work on it.

CHARLES

It was a joke Colin. Correction, what we need is a new Marketing Manager, with sensible ideas.



COLIN STANDS UP AND GOES TO HIS GIANT NOTE



COLIN
PAD.

I’ve got loads of ideas, let me show you what I’ve been working on. This will blow your mind.



CHARLES IGNORES HIS SON.



CHARLES

Not now Colin.



CHARLES PEEPS THROUGH THE BLINDS, AND SEES BAZ IN HIS FORKLIFT CAB, FEET UP, READING THE PAPER, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.



CHARLES

Who’s the lazy, good for nothing, work shy slob, that’s supposed to be driving my forklift?





COLIN

That’s err…Barry Gibson.



CHARLES

He can be second on the list. Sack him and find me a forklift driver with moving limbs.

COLIN

We can’t sack him, he’s the only forklift driver we’ve got

CHARLES IS NOW SHOUTING AT BAZ FROM THE OFFICE WINDOW



CHARLES

Oi.... Oi. You down there on the forklift… get off your behind and do some work, is he deaf or what?



COLIN

He’s probably wearing safety earplugs.



CHARLES

Colin listen!



COLIN LOOKS DUMBLY AT HIS DAD. THERE’S TOTAL SILENCE



PAUSE



COLIN

You’re not going to fart are you?



CHARLES IS NOW GETTING MAD



CHARLES

No you idiot. Listen, can you hear anything?





COLIN

Err… no!



CHARLES

“Correct”… why is he wearing bloody earplugs? The machinery stopped hours ago, where’s the foreman?



COLIN

He’s off sick… bad back.



CHARLES

Charge hand?



COLIN

He’s off sick too.



CHARLES

Mm… let me guess, bad foot?



COLIN

How did you know that?



CHARLES

Don’t tell me, a toilet roll fell on it. For crying out loud, I might as well run a hospital. You’ll have to do it, go and ask that layabout if he’s going to do some work today, and you can tell him I’ll see him in my office, tomorrow morning, with the rest of them.



COLIN GETS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR, LOOKS ROUND AT HIS DAD…CHARLES IS GOING THROUGH HIS NOTES







COLIN

Dad!



CHARLES

What?



COLIN

If you’re going to get rid off all the staff, how are we going to meet the orders we have got?



CHARLES

Chimpanzees. I’ve heard there are a couple going cheap at the local zoo.



COLIN

Chimpanzees?



CHARLES

Why not! All my staff seems to be on, is a permanent tea break, what’s the difference?











SCENE 2 INT SHOP FLOOR

The shop floor is the antithesis of the plush office. Bog-rolls half unravelled, are strewn all over the place. The workforce are milling about like farts in a trance, some are having coffee and having a chat while they should be working. The walls (complete with peeling paint) are adorned with Sun Page 3 pictures, dartboards etc. On one wall is a very large ‘Lord Kitchener’ type poster with the words “Don’t steal the toilet rolls” written where the “Your country needs you” is normally placed. The poster is next to the entrance to the employees’ toilets and there is a constant stream of people going in and coming out, most with fags in their gobs.

Baz is sat in his forklift doing sod all, on the pre-text that the forklift battery is still re-charging (even though the cable isn’t even connected to the power).



BAZ IS LISTENING TO AN ELVIS TRACK ON HIS PORTABLE CD PLAYER AND ATTEMPTING TO SING ALONG TO (DON’T BE CRUEL) BUT HE’S OUT OF TUNE

SECONDS LATER, COLIN IS PRODDING BAZ WITH HIS CLIP BOARD. BAZ SEES THE BOSSES SON AS A BIT OF A SOFT TOUCH

BAZ

Yeah what?



COLIN

You're supposed to be working, not doing the crossword, Mister Gibson.



BAZ

That's it! Seven letters... off the dole, "working", Colin you're a genius…you’re wasted at this firm.



COLIN

Get on with some work.





BAZ

But I’m recharging my batteries.



COLIN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FORKLIFT POWER SOCKET





COLIN

It isn’t even plugged in.



BAZ

No “my batteries”, it’s tea break.



COLIN

Since when have we had a tea break in the middle of the afternoon?



BAZ

Since the coke machine stopped working!



COLIN IS NOW GETTING REALLY ANGRY



COLIN

Put that cigarette out, the paper down, and stop listening to music in works time.



BAZ

Listen if the firm is to tight to supply earplugs, I’ll supply them myself. It just so happens they’re attached to my personal C.D player... and that's not just any music, that's the king of rock and roll



COLIN

And you're going to be the king of the dole queue the way you're going.



BAZ

What have I done?



COLIN

That's just it, you haven't done anything. What about shifting that lot over there.



BAZ (TRIES TO LOOK SERIOUS)

I can’t touch that. The rest of the lads would have a fit. That’s overtime work, we’re saving that for the weekend.



COLIN

What!



BAZ

It was a joke Colin, where’s your sense of humour



COLIN HAS NOW HAD ENOUGH OF BAZ’S SMALL TALK AND STARTS WALKING AWAY… BAZ PUTS ANOTHER CIGGY IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTS READING THE PAPER AGAIN



COLIN

Just shift it now.



BAZ LOOKS AT HIS WATCH



BAZ

Well would you look at that, it’s knocking off time.

I'll stay on and do a bit of overtime if you want,

I could do with the extra money



COLIN TURNS AROUND, BAZ HIDES HIS CIGGY



COLIN

Overtime, you must be joking… oh by the way, dad… I mean the boss, wants to see you tomorrow morning first thing



BAZ

What for…am I getting a pay rise?



COLIN

You must be joking,



BAZ

Well, come on Colin, spill the beans…. give us clue



COLIN (RAISES HIS VOICE)



I’ll give you a clue. Forget your crossword, and start looking in the job section



BAZ LOOKS SAD AND THE REST OF HIS WORK MATES LOOK ROUND



COLIN

And that goes for the rest of you



BAZ (SPEAKS TO THE REST OF HIS WORKMATES)

You can sod off, this is my paper, you buy your own.











SCENE 3 INT THE GIBSONS LIVING ROOM

The whole room is cheap and nasty. In the corner there is a stained, bright orange sofa, wood-effect plastic dining table with a gaudy nylon tablecloth (that is covered in oil anyway). On the wall is a tacky Elvis clock with, instead of a second hand, Elvis’ hips oscillating away as the clock ticks.

Above the mock fireplace (where a load of empty lager cans have been thrown) is a giant airbrush painting of Elvis in full Las Vegas gear looking very fat. Next to Baz’s pictures of his own family are (naturally) pictures of Elvis, Priscilla and Lisa-Marie. A photo of Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie (Michael’s face as been blanked out.)

A big pyramid of toilet rolls is stacked up behind the TV and VCR, but there are also loads of rolls strewn all over the floor, as people have come in and kicked them about etc.

Shep is sat on the floor growling, gnawing at a roll and shaking it up, spreading further mess everywhere.





IRIS IS READING A TRAVEL BROCHURE, CHANTELE IS PUTTING HER FACE PACK ON AND SHANE IS CLEANING STRIPPED DOWN MOTORBIKE PARTS ON THE DINING TABLE





IRIS

Will you get that motorbike off my dining room table, your dad will be home in a minute. Why can’t you do that in the garden, our Shane?



CHANTELLE

Yeah, we’ve got to eat our dinner off that table.



SHANE

Why, have we run out of plates?



CHANTELLE

Very funny … it’s about time you went out and found a job, you waster?



SHANE

I’ve got a job… I make old motorbikes into new motorbikes.









CHANTELLE

No you don’t… you steal motorbikes, strip them down and turn them into pieces of junk, that wouldn’t be seen dead on a scrap heap.



SHANE

And you get a boyfriend one day, strip him of all his cash, then dump him on the scrap heap with the rest of them… I don’t know what the blokes see in you.



CHANTELE

They see someone who is beautiful, and has a great personality.



SHANE

Or maybe, it’s because you’re an easy lay.



IRIS

Shane, less of it. You don’t talk to your sister like that.



CHANTELLE

Oh, listen to Brad Pitt. You’re no oil painting yourself mate. When was the last time you had a girlfriend?



SHANE

Mum, will you tell her to shut up? She’s doing my bloody head in, I’m trying to fix this bike.



CHANTELE

…Touched a nerve have I?

SHANE

I’m waiting for the right girl to come along. Until then, I’ll make do with my bikes.



CHANTELE

A bike… that’s about the nearest you’ll get to a girlfriend.



SHANE

At least I haven’t got a reputation of being a bike



CHANTELE

Right, that’s it.



IRIS

Will you two pack it in, you’re behaving like a couple of kids.



LONG PAUSE



SHANE

Chant’s?



CHANTELE

What?



SHANE

Why are you putting my de-greaser on your face?





CHANTELE

ARGH!!… I thought it was my facemask.





BAZ ENTERS THE ROOM, SHANE IS ROLLING AROUND LAUGHING, IRIS SMILES



BAZ

Evening all



CHANTELLE

Hi dad… will you tell Shane to…



BAZ LOOK’S AT CHANTELE



BAZ

Scary, what happened to you?



SHANE

It’s my de-greaser.



BAZ

You want to keep that on it, does wonders for your looks.



CHANTELLE IS ANGRY



CHANTELE

Mum, tell them. You’re just as bad as him. Mum, this isn’t coming off



BAZ

IRIS (female mid forties blonde)

SHANE (male early twenty’s scruffy)

CHANTELLE (female late teens)

SHEP (dog scared of the dark)



THE FANSHAWS

CHARLES

JANET (female mid fifties vacant)

COLIN (male late twenty’s slow)

MICHELE (female early twenty’s eco

Warrior know it all)

OTHERS

BAYLIFF

RENTMAN



NON-SPEAKING
(male mid fifties ex army) (male mid forties, fat)

Baz works as a fork lift driver at ‘Golden Roll’ toilet roll manufacturers, he’s been there six months, an all time record.

Charles is the owner and he has to make redundancies and Baz is one of the first to go, but before Charles delivers the bad news something happens to Baz that changes his life forever.

The opening credits are written on an unravelling toilet roll.


The Characters (main character in bold)