Quotes from Relentless

• People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"

• I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live, and … I don't know, shut your fucking mouth?

• Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!

• See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality – because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: "Shit, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed."

• And I'll tell you something too. That's starting to annoy me about UFOs, the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us, and always end up in places like … Fyffe fucking Alabama. Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean?

• To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: "Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth." Fuck it – I've found my brand! "Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights." Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, find a disease you can live with. "What are you smoking, Dave?" "Throat Polyps. Want one?" "No thanks, I'll stick with my Yellow Fingernails."

• It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

• Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

• The rock stars today who don't do drugs and who in fact speak out against drugs – "We're rock against drugs!" – boy, they suck.

• You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years … rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

• They say rock n' roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say that it is; I've got news for you. Let's say that rock n' roll is the devil's music and we know it for a fact to be the absolutely, unequivocally true.

  Boy, at least he fucking jams! Ha ha ha ha! Okay? Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes and eternal heaven and new kids on the fucking block … I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out … high five at Satan every time I pass the motherfucking shore.

• You know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards … they sound better. Gives them that edge they're missing, puts some fucking hair on their balls.

• "Come on, Bill, they're the New Kids. They're so good and so clean-cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!

• You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues.

  Here's what causes sexual thoughts: having a dick.

• What do atheists scream when they cum?

• Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blow jobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight … "Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now."

  A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory...and a fervent prayer! Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may be true, but guys … yyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now … watching an empty stage.

  Boy, my folks are proud of me! "Bill, honey, you still doing that suck your own cock bit?" "Yeah, mom." "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece!" "Thanks, mom." "No biggie."

• I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. "Hey, buddy! We're Christians and we didn't like what you said." I said, "Then forgive me." Later on, when I was hanging from the tree …

• I don't do drugs anymore... than, I'd say, the average touring funk band.