The assignment is "Ten things men don't know about women." I am the worst person to write this. Get Nora Ephron. Get Mim Udovitch. But me? Look, if you want a piece on the difference between men and women, you can pick one up next to the cash register at any bookstore. (I think computers write them now.) But as I thought about it, I realized it's up to me, as a writer, to find a unique angle. Then I found it: total and complete honesty. That's right, the following are, truly, the ten things that men don't know about women.

1. We go to the bathroom together because we're doing coke.

2. We want to cuddle after sex because we're fucking freezing.

3. Makeup gets you high.

4. The "menstrual cramp" is a made-up phenomenon. Like the "Holocaust."

5. Not all women like crappy, sappy movies. Unfortunately, many do. Which is why they get made. So, ultimately, you can actually blame women for the perpetuation of mediocrity in film.

6. Vaginas have a hidden pocket for change. (Not coins, social change.)

7. Our eyes are up here.

8. We hate our thighs because, interestingly enough, they opposed our right to vote.

9. Women who get boob jobs "for themselves" also give blow jobs "for themselves."

10. The labia minora is not Hanukkah paraphernalia.