When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- George Carlin

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
- George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
- George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- George Carlin

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
- George Carlin

What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- George Carlin

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- George Carlin

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- George Carlin

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
- George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- George Carlin

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
- George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
- George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
- George Carlin

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
- George Carlin

Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.
- George Carlin